Surrender into Silence

Silence MeditationIn this world of activity, saturated sensations, and ever-growing babble of shouting voices, we may feel that silence would be a sure fire way of losing what little attention we’ve attained in our relationships, business, and expression.

It seems as more voices join the milieu, so then the existing voices must become louder, otherwise the screaming crowds around may drown them out.

So it doesn’t surprise me when people are shocked to hear that I spent an entire year in silence, stowing away my loudspeaker and choosing instead to go within and find expression without words.

Mostly spent in Bali, amongst the rice paddies, Ubud yogis, and support of an amazing community, I dove deep into a world of no words and I discovered a few little secrets that tend to go overlooked in the battle to be heard.

* The first secret is that whether you whisper or yell, your message is only as powerful as the space from which you share it. It must be rooted and originating from a place deep within you to find resonance in the hearts of others. All other speech is simply chatter of the mind, and will only find more chatter – this is why the crowds keep getting louder.

* The second secret is that silence is not a sacrifice of your voice; it is instead the first time you allow yourself to be heard without distortion. Our words only have meaning by how each of us defines them, and few of us take the time to first agree upon those definitions. In silence, communication becomes a resonance of the heart and intention. The resonance itself is simply felt, and does not require an interpretation of language. It does, however, require the presence of both people in communication.

* The third secret is my favorite because it reminds us of our connection. In my silence I often heard people say they could never be silent for so long. They would comment on the impossibility of personally being quiet for even a few hours. Yet, just like the ocean that may seem turbulent on the surface, at its depths is a calm enduring peace. So, even in the daily chaos of verbal and mental monologues, a deep quiet exists as the foundation from which it all emerges for all of us.

Silence is the blank canvas on to which we place our painted words. It is the cloudless night sky that gives visibility to bright lights shining through. Beneath all our stories, chatter, and distractions is silence setting a space of potential. It is the space into which connection finds it’s way.

I went silent for a year because the connections in my life had become mine fields of projected fear, rejection, and loss. My heart had begun to scream so loudly trying to hold a connection that was slowly dissolving, that my shouts drowned the very message of love I was trying to share.

In the early days, when our hearts were quiet and resonating as one, we had attracted the spirit of a new life, a baby to bless us. It was a surprise, and while it filled our hearts with new song, it also filled our minds with new voices. They were the voices of doubt, of self-worth, of financial security. They were the voices of friends, of family, and of concerns and praises. They were the voices of celebration and simultaneously life-changing considerations. And with all the voices seeking their time upon the stage, the subtle whispering resonance from our hearts was no longer felt.

We lost our child within that ocean of voices, for that new life was a creation of our hearts gentle dialogue. Three months into the pregnancy, the baby miscarried, and that spirit decided not to enter our lives.


And in that tragedy, only more voices came. They were anger, frustration, and blame. They were sorrow and grief and shame and many more. They became so many voices, that none was really being heard, but instead each voice laid itself like a brick into the wall that now stood in between my partner and I.

Eventually, the partnership was also lost. And I, alone now with all these voices, had but one place into which I could retreat. It was into silence.

I will admit, to some extent it was an escape from the pains and a way to ignore the stories of heartache.

It was also a conscious choice to seek the voice within me whose song had never stopped and would never be lost.

The resonance of the Heart is a river of connection that never stops flowing. It is the oceans depths, the blank canvas and the night sky wrapped up and simplified into a word, I call it Love.

Love is as intangible a force as the wind, known only by its effects. It is invisible, yet like a tornado can run through your life in a whirlwind of power, shifting your reality, and pulling you into flight whether you realize you can fly or not.

And even though the voice of that love may come in many different forms, expressions, and levels of loudness…it remains the ever-present bond of creation, connection, and communication. It is a language without words. It is a language of the heart.

To spend time in silence is not an activity. It is the surrender of activity.

It is the surrender of opinions and thoughts, of identities and roles, positions and postures; so that you may sink deep into the profound waters of your heart, and know the power of your voice is not in the words you speak, but rather from where you speak them.

During my year in silence, I learned that to love, to truly love, is more than what can be given as expression, is more than the synced vibration of two hearts, and is beyond the minds capacity to place form upon the formless.

Love, is an ever present knocking upon the door of the infinite self, and to truly embrace its fullness, ironically, requires an act of letting go. It is the action of surrender to the vulnerable and curious exploration into an unknown discovery waiting around the corner – this creates the space for love to be felt, received and shared.

So, do not be afraid of drowning unheard into the crowds of loud expression. Instead, let the power of your surrender be the catalyst creating space for your voice to be felt, rather than simply heard.

In Silence, all voices become One…the voice of Love.

Your turn, share your thoughts and comments below.

To Empower the Feminine…Claim Your Desire for Her

Claim Your Desire

I hear women gossip or complain all the time about men who want nothing but sex. There is a disgust and distaste in their voice as they share with their girlfriends, or to guys who will listen, how there are too many boys and not enough men. They speak of wanting men who will dance them through a romance, take them out, write them poetry… but heaven forbid they ever want sex.

Well, I call BULLSHIT.

I’ve lived the better part of my life being the stereotypical “nice” guy. The perfect description of what women say they want, but in the end I’ve watched more women be detoured away because the kind of guy they all complained about came along, swept them off their feet with a few well-placed words of flattery, a promise to take care of them, and some seductive hip thrusts, and I was left wondering…

What the Fu$&* !!!

I’d sit wondering, pondering, totally confused by this apparent mixed messaging of what women said they wanted, but what they time and time again would actually be attracted to.

And then it hit me!

A realization that when it comes to carnal pleasures, self-satisfaction, ecstasy of our physicality- men and women are not much different. Heck, it does take TWO for some things to happen.

So, why then were women complaining, shaming, and down grading the men who in the end showed up wanting the same thing as them?


What if women actually just want a man to be clear about what he wants?

What if the transparency of a man who can confidently claim, “I want to RAVISH you till the sun sets and a new day dawns,” is actually the turn on that lured women away from nice guys like me, who were “safe”?

Oh, but wait. Was I safe?

No, not at all. My words and gestures, my poetic offerings, gentle nature, safe guy facade was all hiding a deep carnal wish to let loose the dragon of my desire. And what exactly was that desire?

Sex? You would think, and this is where we all miss the show, no not sex but intimacy.

And the most powerful words we want to hear, whether as a female or a male is – “I want YOU”

To know we possess some allure, attractive force that ignites the hormones of another.

Why else would we sit down, take time, converse, and play games – if not for the base satisfaction of some connection, even if just a moment of eyes connecting and revealing some deep secret from within.

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We want to connect and we want to know the other wants to connect too, but if neither is CLAIMING their desire than we spend countless hours guessing, wondering, and manipulating conversation not for some agenda of what might get to happen down the line, but more for the simple quest to get clear communication of intent!

So, I say to the Masculine in myself and all my brothers – speak your TRUTH!

Without sugar coating, round-abouting, or vagueness. Empower the feminine by stating clearly your Desire, because by doing so – you give her choice to say YES or NO.

Everything else is a limbo state of no answers, no actions, just wondering what the damn question is.

I’ll admit, I have lived most of my life in denial of what deep inside was subtly leaning me blindly along the edges of my desire.

A dragon within me, begins to wake now, and it wants to be unleashed and given voice with which to RAVISH the feminine, consume her in a passionate fire and force, not of conquest but of ecstatic SENSUAL exploration of she and self.

Oh, I have hidden, repressed, these unspoken desires to test, dip the tip, into the sacred waters of her erotic bliss. To lead with carnal passion, ignite her deepest emotion, and ride the wave of that sensation as it swells, crests, and cascades down upon the shore.

And I hear your voice within me that once shamed, blamed and cut me down for passively seeking to express a truth that plays itself through all humanity. And I feel your feminine strength in radiance, knowing my truth, knowing yours, and feeling safe to choose that which honors you and me.

The voice of Masculine, who had become vague, unclear, and afraid to claim his desires because for so long it had been rejected, denied, and mistrusted – I now make Transparent, and in that transparency I play no upgrade game, have no agendas and no attachment, but speak so honestly and authentically the presence of this moments wants and recognitions so to allow the possibility of deep connection.

The chains that held me trapped in a cave built judging my own LifeForce – which I misunderstood – now break that I may boldly express the desires I feel electric in their waves; sparking this deep wanting to connect, caress, and cause CLIMAX in co-creation with YOU the feminine.

So here, as Masculine, against all self-judgmental shame that has been the prison guard of my deepest truths, I now proclaim…

YES, I will honor you, YES I will embrace you, and YES I will PENETRATE deeply into you with conscious, vulnerable sharing of myself, my power, and my Lifeforce…

Because I am human, I am man… And, FUCK, spiritual or not, I have intimate desires to express!



The 3 Major Relationship Mistakes you Might be Making

The 3 Major Relationship Mistakes you Might be Making

Relationship Challenges“The dance of feminine and masculine is a tango that requires surrender to leading, to following, and above all to trusting.”

There are many common challenges that we create in our relationships. There are the challenges that come about naturally and those are wonderful as we can use them to grow and learn more about each other, but the one’s we create ourselves normally have no benefit to the relation.

I’ve outlined three of the major relationship challenges I’ve seen – you’ll notice two of them have to do with communication.  For a more in-depth exploration see – The Dance of the Feminine and Masculine Within

1.      Expressing your complaints instead of your desires

Do you ever find yourself telling your partner all the things they are doing or not doing that bother you? Even if you are just having this conversation in your mind, it is giving more focus to the things you dislike, and not communicating what you do want. Now, let’s take for instance, the complaint – “I told him I wanted him to take the trash out, and he didn’t even do that!”

You might think that the desire was expressed – to take the trash out. Yet, might the deeper desire be having a partner who takes initiative in the household tasks, who doesn’t need you nagging them. And even deeper, might the desire be to feel supported by your partner and know that you don’t have to do it all alone. So, what might happen if instead of the complaint expressed above, you expressed, “I want to feel like we are supporting each other and that neither of us ever feels alone nor overwhelmed in this relationship.”

Notice, the trash doesn’t even have to be mentioned anymore. It was simply a trigger for the deeper desire. So, express your deep desires, not your complaints.

2.      Wanting to be heard, while not listening

This is one of the most prevalent challenges in communication, whether it’s in a relationship or not. The art of listening is a lot more than hearing the words someone is saying. It must also be accompanied by interest in what those words are. Most of us listen with an intent to understand, interpret and either agree or disagree with what someone is telling us.

What if we could listen with nothing but an interest in knowing what the other person is expressing? You see, communication is about coming to understand AND FEEL what the other persons truth is, whether or not you agree with it, you must acknowledge that it is the truth for the other.

In this way, you always feel heard, because you know your truth is being seen. For most, you will find that having your truth agreed with isn’t the priority. You just want to know that it’s really been heard and recognized.

In a relationship this is important because it allows partners to understand why certain actions, expressions, and emotions exist. Too often we interpret these things through our own “truth” filter, and thus we completely miss meeting the other in theirs.

In coaching sessions, I often recommend for couples who are struggling with this that rather than promising each other that you will “listen to what I’m saying”….promise each other to “give full attention to hearing their truth.”

3.      Creating conditions, instead of Trust

This is a tricky and incredibly subtle pattern that permeates relationships, and it often has a lot to do with the level of self-trust each person has. Often, instead of opening into a space of trust with your partner, the tendency can be to create a limitation, to say, “I’m not comfortable with you hanging out with so and so”, or “I don’t feel that job opportunity will really work for you”, or even something as simple as “let’s only communicate the positive with each other”.

Most of these conditions we set are rooted in a fear of losing the partnership or even just the “honeymoon” ideal of the relationship. They are rooted in a possessive attitude, sometimes very apparent and other times quite subtle. We want to somehow control the relationship and how it gets to develop. This eventually becomes a power struggle between partners, both trying to control situations, expressions, and actions for the same goal of preserving the relationship, while in the arguing about how to best achieve that goal, you are destroying the relationship.

Trust does not simply mean trusting each other. It is trusting in the natural dynamics and flow of the relationship to take you into opportunities for growth, which may at times show up as challenging conflicts. If you give yourself the freedom to accept the challenge, move into and through it, you will grow within the relationship to places you could not have imagined – cause they were out of your control.

When we control our relationships with conditions, we circumvent the very purpose of the connection (and no, it’s not just companionship); it’s to grow.

Trusting one another and the relationship allows for you to have appreciation when things naturally evolve. If you have tried conditioning things and the natural evolution of the relationship doesn’t match with your conditions, there will be conflict, disappointment and struggle.

Thus, challenging as it may be to let go of control. In a relationship it is best to realize at the beginning that neither you nor your partner is in control…the relationship itself is.


Dance of the Masculine and Feminine

The Dance of Feminine and MasculineTwo voices come up from the depths and begin a dance I am sure they are dancing even when noise fills the mind and we cannot hear their graceful footsteps.

One voice is masculine, one is feminine…but the distinction is an effort to make for their communion is so intertwined and we must listen closely to find which is which…and to realize that not just their voice, but their language, words, and expression also are distinct if you stop long enough to really listen.

“Meet me at the shores of some forgotten ocean,” I can hear the Masculine whisper, “and I shall wash your feet and bathe away your sorrows.”

“If I shed my tears, they shall mix within your waters,” the Feminine responds, “and I do not want to disturb your peace.”

“These waters and your tears have come from the same place, the same source.  Shed  your tears, and let your story be the waves that come and go,” he says, “beneath those waves my peace and yours remains.”

How often have we acted from our masculine, when it was the feminine that needed to be nurtured; and how often do we surrender in our feminine when the masculine is being called to act?

I look around and I see many women seeking power through their masculine aspects, when their true feminine power lies in surrender, in the strength to trust and open.

And I see men using their logic and thinking to manipulate women into paying them attention, validation, and loyalty.  The desire to be seen and heard is their feminine side asking to be held, yet they too bring their masculine structure to answer what the feminine can best handle.

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A man’s true masculine power lies in his ability of devotion; to support, lift, and give trusted space to the feminine’s expression, while standing in his own center.

“Do you trust that I do not need you to fulfill me, but that I cherish the fulfillment holding you gives me,” the Masculine asks of the Feminine.

“In moments of safety, when I feel the tension of your Being pulling, not away from me, but rather pulling to hold me as I lean back in surrender, I can see the truth of your cherished fulfillment,” she says, “but when you try to prove your worth by showing your strength or worldly knowledge, I lose faith for you are too busy proving yourself to me instead of  listening to my needs.

“Yet, even when I hear your words, you still challenge me,” laments the Masculine.

“I will always test you…but it is not your worth that I am is your stability. Can you hear me, lift me, and still remain solid where you stand?” she responds.

Our masculine side must learn to listen, and our feminine side must learn to ask.

For the feminine, it is not an asking by means of petition, but rather it is by means of invitation.  Express what needs and wants you have as feminine and the masculine will hear you.  Express only those things not wanted, such as in complaint, and the masculine does not know where to support.  He wants to serve, his devotion compels him, but if his only clues are what is wrong or not wanted, he will not know in which way to serve you.

The masculine must wait, stay patient in his solid stance, and give the feminine time to find the words and safety to express what she actually wants.

In his devotion, the masculine does not seek to change, control, or possess.  For his worship is not of a trophy or conquest, but rather his worship is a recognizing, beholding, and appreciating of the feminine before him that gives him his greatest purpose – to support and serve.

He must stop with his agendas and drop into service and appreciation, and the feminine must give him space to be trusted in doing so.

“If you want me to trust you, than lead me by your example, not by your stories and supplication.  Show me, move me, know me – and I will invite you into my home,” the Feminine says.

“I am but the piano keys here to strike the strings that sing your song,” says the Masculine, “there will be times that I lose the harmony and I ask that you trust I am still listening.  I ask that you not fill in the missing notes where I have fallen absent, for if I do not hear the gap, I will not know where to jump back in.”

When the feminine does not invite or create space for the masculine to compliment her Being, then he is left without purpose, and the masculine without purpose will seek another purpose or otherwise become frustrated.

He wants to provide for his partner, yet the feminine has deemed she is capable of providing for herself.  So, where does that leave him?  He begins to wish for her to give up her things, her control, her power, so he can feel of purpose again.

Can the masculine instead of asking her to empty her cup, make his cup large enough to encompass hers?  Like this, might she feel held and accepted in her own stability…and be nourished by the strength of his embrace that recognizes her.

When the feminine denies the offering of the masculine to hold space for her…she is telling him that she does not trust him, and this is the worst insult the feminine can make.  She is also teaching him to be untrustworthy – for if all he hears from her is that she does not trust him…he will eventually believe that is what she desires and will fulfill his service as such.

The feminine is changing her mind, opinion, emotions, action and attitude all the time…but she will remember and hold the masculine to his.  Thus the masculine must not seek to abide to her every wish and desire, or to bend her to his own…it will not work.  Rather, he must expand the presence of his masculine self, hold the space that allows the feminine to express in all her varied ways, and not fixate on her words as they change with every emotion, but rather listen to her body and her energy for guidance.

The dance of the masculine and feminine is about knowing the character of each…and that they do not need each other as dependents, but rather can unite in balance to lift each other in a brilliant expression of movement and dance.  They can see the divine perfection of one another and in that recognition of beauty have no choice but to overflow with the worship of each other.

“Let us dance, I will lead, I will follow, we shall make music with our footsteps.”

Your turn, share your thoughts and comments below.

Lessons Learned when stranded on a Los Angeles street Corner


“Vulnerability is being confident in the Whole of who you are.”

How to express our thoughts and emotions and then let them go? The answer lies below the surface. Behind every thought, there is a belief, and behind every emotion there is a desire. If you can ask yourself the question of where does this thought originate within me, and what is the truest essence of this desire, you will find what I call Vulnerable Expression.

Vulnerable Expression is what is shared when blame, reaction, and projection are no longer part of your communication. Instead, what get’s conveyed is the truth of what you are seeking, free of any doubts you have about getting it or how you think you might go about getting it. Let me give a personal example (it’s a little long, but getting vulnerable is about not leaving out the details).

“So, I’d been having a pretty rough week, a lot of instability in plans, last minute changes, and the stress of knowing my then girlfriend (whom I’d not seen in 5 months) was arriving within days, and I didn’t have a home for us to live in. I was feeling lost, anxious, and overall alone in my efforts.

I’d called my Mom and Sister to pick me up from Los Angeles, where I’d been looking for a place to rent. They drove all the way up from San Diego to get me, and it was fairly late at night. I’d exhausted my options and had found myself out on the streets, no car, and no home.

When they arrived, there was a sense of relief, of relaxation. I wasn’t really alone anymore. I didn’t express it…only the thought came to me, but not the words. I feel this can often be the case, where we feel and think something powerful in the moment, but hesitate to mention it for fear that bringing attention to it might dilute or change it.

We travelled home to San Diego, and as it was very late I went straight to bed. I was given a futon to sleep on in the living room. I was happy for it; happy to be with family. The next day, my sister left early for work, and when I woke I did my morning practices, ate breakfast and began working on my laptop. I still had a mess of emotions and thoughts whirling in my mind from the events of the week, and so it was a stewing pot ready to be boiled.

When my Mom came and began nagging me about when we were going to go run some errands and when I wanted her to drop me off at a friend’s house whom I’d arranged to stay with, my emotions were the ones to respond.

I got upset and yelled at her for rushing me, for stressing me, for nagging me. In truth, she had asked very innocent questions that were all about how she could help me.
And when I took a moment to breath, and ask myself the question, “where are these emotions originating within me, and what is my true desire?”

The answer that returned was profoundly shifting and I burst into tears.

My true desire was simple – I just wanted to spend some time in the safety and comfort of a home, with my family near me, knowing I was not alone, and that I was supported. The belief reacting from behind the thoughts – “I’m being sent back out, I’m being told I have to be alone again.”

Now, you may think to yourself what extreme thoughts, but our beliefs are like this. Our beliefs are not shades of gray, they are concrete this way or that way, and it’s our thoughts that coat them with ambiguity.

Once you see what the belief behind the thought is, you can choose to shift it, and you shift it toward what your true desire is. And how do you make this shift?   It’s easy – EXPRESS what your true desire is.  You have to know yourself or get to know yourself.

We can’t expect others to understand or read our minds and know what we really want; especially if we are not clearly aware of it ourselves. Thus, self inquiry and vulnerable expression is the key.


The Finely Crafted Spirit

RolfandKarina 70There was a time when I could stare endlessly into the night, and find myself lost within the stars.  There was a curiosity then, of what this black canvas with cascading lights signified for my life.  How small we are in comparison, how petty our affairs, and yet, how immensely important our thoughts and actions are.  For even the smallest gear in a finely crafted timepiece can and will affect the whole.

We are seeking with our minds, an identity; a role in which to play upon this stage of life, and we call this act of seeking, Spirituality.  We believe some specific element of our Being, maybe a soul, a thought, a specific cultivation of energy, might manifest the entirety of our purpose.

Yet, the essence of spirituality does not lay in some fraction of our Being; it resides in the intricate connections of all our parts.  Just like the finely crafted timepiece, every element is important, and the most significant is in how they connect.  It is not the objects that count, but the bonds between them.

When you begin to see the universe as a single song, connected infinitely through harmonious bonds, then the practice of spirituality is in the awareness that the whole of things is not a static identification of relationships, but is instead the fluid interweaving of several ripples of expressions.

These expressions, every object, person, and even thought is like a droplet in the ocean.  They are indistinguishable from the whole and there is no comparision between them; they have no conflict.  Instead, they flow together, move together, and function seamlessly together. When you give them the idea of separation, then perspective acting like tiny bubbles surrounding their surface begins to interrupt the single unity that was once the infinite ocean.

And so I ask the question, why when seeking Spirituality does one look externally to the expressions that may come and go like the waves crashing upon the shore?  Would the heart of spirituality not lie within the connection of those expressions, rather than in the changing character and form?

There are many practices and rituals with which we seek, all with their due purpose.  Each is an expression of one multifaceted reality that is dynamically flowing into balance moment by moment.  Will you surrender into this moment and allow its expression to fully engulf you?  And will you just as easily let it go, so that you may welcome and accept the next expression given to you? Every expression is a moment of connection.  Herein lies the significance of life.

Can you feel it, the connection that is ever present, like a shining light whose brilliance intermingles in your eyes?

I look up at night toward the ocean of distant stars and I realize that even at their great distance, I am touched by their light.  I am connected. Just as the vibration of a voice singing softly reaches my ears, so than the vibration of every expression is always touching, tingling, and yearning to be recognized.  Our awareness of this eternal dialogue of connection is how I define Spirituality.

The actuation of spirit, to be in spirit, to be inspired, here our heart begins to beat.  Although we cannot see our hearts, we feel its rhythmic beating sustaining life.  We are aware that it is but one part to the whole of our being.  And with every pulse that conveys connection through the highways of our veins, we feel alive, we feel connected, we feel whole.

It is to breath in and breath out.  It is to embrace and surrender.  The manuscripts and scrolls of ancient times are not definitions but rather signposts to the actuality of Spirit.  The present moment and all its expressions is Spirituality.  For only in the present moment can you become aware of all your connections.  Only in the present moment can you recognize the vibrations you are sending and the vibrations you are receiving.

Spirituality is the finely crafted timepiece that is always presently and fully aware of this moment and all of its connections.